Day at the Park with R+B

Going to the park these days is so much fun. It's so nice to get some fresh air and let the kids explore. Ryder loves being outside and having the freedom to run, play and be loud! It takes a lot of work to get to the park with two babies, but it's so worth it! I love having books, snacks, toys and balls to play with when we're at the park for the afternoon. The weather was perfect and I wasn't worried about either one getting too cold or too hot. Perfect time of the year! I always worry about their baby soft skin in the blazing Colorado heat, so I always carry Honest sunscreen with me. 

This sweet boy has been more willing to take pictures lately. I think it's so cute when he asks me to take his pic!

But sometimes, this is the "pose" I get for the pic. HA!

Both kids LOVE this book and love touching the ladybugs. I have been having so much fun reading to them. My childhood days of playing "teacher" and reading to my stuffed animals finally paid off! (PS if you can read The Giving Tree, Someday or I Love You Forever without crying an ugly cry, you're my hero! I highly recommend you don't read those ones while out in public at the park. Ha!)

This adorable girl! AHH, I can't stand it. This sippy cup from Francesca's is a spin off Starbucks - Baby Ducks Coffee. It's so cute! Such a fun gift to give for a baby shower or birthday party!

Ryder LOVES reading. It melts me when he wants to sit on my lap and help turn the pages. And when he has the books memorized... UGHHH. My heart!

How cute is this "big brother" shirt from Vicarious Clothing?? I love it!

Ryder will randomly get excited at the thought of holding Blakely. He's still trying to figure out how to hold her without tipping over. LOL I love that he's acting like no one will notice if he just keeps smiling. :)

Still got it! Still got it, guys!! HA! And that goofy grin?! No idea where that little smile came from?

Blake isn't quite as excited about being held by Ryder. She's always trying to climb out of his lap, hence the tipping over. I'm trying to explain to him that sometimes babies don't want to be held. He obviously is not a fan of this information!

This onesie kills me! It's also from Vicarious Clothing and says "wonderfully made". It's sooo darling. Pair that cute onesie with those chunky thighs and I'm a happy mommy! :)

That bow! All the heart eyes. I love putting Blake's outfits together and the bows are always the final touch. I'm really digging this floral pattern from Loopy Loo Bows. So cute.

Isn't this the cutest?! I have a serious addiction to bows! Loopy Loo Bows are so well made and I love the size of the bow. 

Blakey's Outfit:

Wonderfully Made onesie

Loopy Loo Bows

FP moccs

Similar sweater here and here

Ryder's Outfit:

Big Brother T

Yellow Shorts

Native Shoes

Me:

TB flip flops - similar here and here

Similar tops here, here and here

Similar black denim here, here and here

Stella and Dot bracelet - similar here and here

Ray Bans

Other:

Blake's blanket from KBcute

Fawn Design diaper bag - similar here

Monkey Mat - use this all the time!

Baby Ducks Coffee sippy cup

Ten Little Ladybugs book

I Love You Forever book

The Giving Tree book

Someday book

Toys here and here

Soccer ball, Trio POOF sports balls

The Honest Company diapers, sunscreen and lunchbox

Happy Friday, friends! Hope you have a great weekend!

            

Blakely Gray - 9 Months Old

Our bitty babe is nine months old! Suddenly she seems very old! Crawling like crazy (first crawled April 21st) and loving food. She seems like such a big girl eating puffs and baby food. She loves her sippy cup of water and again, it makes her seem so old! Her hair is starting to grow, which is so exciting! I love it. When she lets me, I sit there playing with it, tucking it behind her ears and basically petting her!... UGH I love it. And those adorable teeth. I can hardly contain my love for her! I could burst, I swear. 

Blakers still has 6 teeth and sometimes I look at her and get a clear visual of what she's going to look like when she's two and it just makes me so sad and so happy at the same time. She recently started HATING us changing her diaper. Screams the entire time we're changing her diaper or getting her dressed for the day. She loves bath time (still) and is so silly. She is always smiling and giggling. She does this funny laugh where she scrunches up her nose and does a loud sniff with her nose. In and out over and over again. It's probably the CUTEST THING EVER! 

She's snuggly and loves to be held but also loves crawling around and checking out her surroundings. Little explorer! Her and Lincoln still play together and he's very protective of her. He will sit RIGHT next to her (or sometimes kinda ON her) and thinks he's the guard dog. 

Ryder is loving on her more and more and it melts me!!! He will randomly look at her and say, "I love her." OMG The best. He loves giving her kisses goodnight and sometimes will offer her his toys to play with (without me asking him to share!). 

I baby wear her a lot more than I ever wore Ryder. I love it! She loves facing forward and seeing all the excitement in the room. Blake loves her binky, but not quite as much as Ryder (which is a good thing! Ryder was SOOO attached to that binky.) She is still nursing but gets really distracted when Ryder is playing near her and making noise. She's WAY more entertained by him, no matter how hungry she is! 

Her smiley personality has people stopping in their tracks to chat with her and comment on how adorable she is. :) Her goofy, scrunched-nose laugh is contagious. And we love it! We all adore her! She truly brings our family so much joy and is a little love bug. She's been a very easy baby and continues to sleep through the night. Tooth loves waking up with her in the mornings and playing on the floor. She climbs all over us like we're jungle gyms and it's so funny. She's a busy body and loves to interact with others and touch! She likes cuddling and touching more than Ryder ever did, and I eat it up. Every chance I get to sit with her and huuuug her or sing to her, I do. And those moments are cherished. 

Blake and I did a little mini shoot with my friend Katy for her nine month mark. She was so interested in the grass (and sticks and bark) that she could barley focus! Ha! But she did great. I can't believe how much I love these babies of mine. They are the light of my life! Every mother out there understands that it's impossible to explain the overwhelming love you feel for your children. It's all consuming. You hear people say things like, "you never know love until you become a mother," and you're all, "yeah, yeah, yeah," but it's SO TRUE. My heart has grown a million sizes since having these two little monkeys and I love them beyond words. 

We love you baby girl. You are the sweetest thing we've ever laid eyes on and we love watching you grow. You'll always be our precious bitty baby girl!

I can't even handle her. She's so freaking CUTTTEEEE!!!

 Those chubby hands! I die.

These photos were taken by my friend, Katy. She's so sweet and captured Blakely so beautifully!
Katy Rose Lute Photography

Blakely:
Floral Headband (adorable!!!!!)
Dress // Bracelet
"9" Party Hat // Moccs

Me:
Yellow Heels - similar here, here and here
Floral Dress - similar here, here and here
Bracelets - similar here, here and here
             

Layers of Interest

Hey Mamas! I love making outfits interesting by adding layers. There are so many pieces in this outfit that add interest and make it look "layered". 

1. This bright and fun floral top from Denver Street Boutique is a new favorite of mine! It's so fun and girly. And of course, I'm a sucker for all blues!! 

2. Distressed denim from Shop Blume. These boyfriend fit jeans are so comfortable. And the distressed element gives it another layer and added interest. 

3. This necklace from Beloved and Beautiful is an unexpected color with the top I'm wearing. I love mixing colors and patterns in outfits. Putting things together that you wouldn't expect. I think a lot of people worry about things "matching" or "going" together. But I think it's way more fun to put things together that some may think clash. Like this light turquoise necklace with the royal blue in my top. Added bonus: This company support victims from trafficking. Everything made in this shop is by survivors of trafficking and they are supported by us with every purchase. I love this necklace and feel honored to support such an amazing cause and company! I would love for you to check out there site and support these talented women. 

4. This light jacket is SO cute. It's actually a maternity jacket and I saw it when I recently went shopping for more nursing bras. It's perfect for nursing and so, so comfortable. I have worn in every day since I purchased it! LOL The color goes with everything. I seriously love this jacket and will continue to wear it even when I'm not nursing! I also love that it curves up in the back. 

5. This sparkly clutch from Denver Street Boutique caught my eye the second I stepped on the truck! (Denver Street Boutique is a fashion truck and it's so adorable!) I don't have any hard shell clutches and now they might be my new favorite. It's the perfect size for a night out and the sequins make my day. Again, those sequins and texture on the clutch just add interest. 

6. These heels are so flattering. I think the strap across the top of the foot is so interesting and different then a basic nude heel. Every time I bust these out I feel so fancy. LOL But... If you wanted to wear this outfit out with kids, you could easily switch the heels out for a cute flat or bootie. 

7. This ring from Harper Made is so freaking cute. I love it and the color just brightens my day! I'm also loving midi rings and this one came in a 5 pack from Target. All these little pops of colors and added rings make the outfit look a little less plain and add pow. 

8. And finally, I'm loving braids. I am still dealing with a lot of hair breakage and braids are an easy way to hide those for now. Doing something to your hair always adds interest to outfits. Instead of just wearing it down, mixing it up just makes things more fun! Plus, braids are quick and easy (and can help you get away with one more day before washing!). 

These are simple ways I add interest to outfits! If I had my hair down, a plain blue T on (without this floral print), no jacket, no rings, plain flats, no necklace and plain dark denim and no clutch... It would make this way less interesting. To be honest, what I just mentioned is what I wear most days!! Ha! So it's fun to get dressed up and feel cute when going out for girls night, on a date with your hubby or to church. Other fun layers I like to play with is pops of fun lipstick and nail polish. I love mixing those up just because!   

Tomboy denim from Shop Blume. 

Similar here, here and here.

Loving this white distressed jean for spring and summer!

Similar Denver Street Boutique black clutch here, here and here.

My pink ring was purchased at Denver Street Boutique on the truck. She carries the best stuff!! She carries this ring made by Harper Made. You can check it out HERE.

My floral shirt was also purchased on DSB's truck! Similar options here, here and here - on sale!

Loving this dress!

Similar midi rings here. I'm loving midi rings!

Gray Jacket that I LOVE! Similar here.

Similar nude heel here, here and here and here - these are on sale!

Obsessed with THESE heels - also on sale!

My exact necklace from Beloved and Beautiful HERE.

Other amazing companies that support survivors are Mulxiply, International Sanctuary and Noonday. 

Hope you guys are having a great day! Thanks so much for reading along. Would love to know your favorite ways to add layers and interest to outfits!

            

Mommy Monday - Mothered into Motherhood

Hey Mamas! It's Mommy Monday -  YAY! Today my sweet sister-in-law, Caroline, is sharing part of her story. She has written this beautifully. Every time I am around her I feel supported, loved and cared for. She is obviously a natural at caring for others! I hope you enjoy her story below as much as I did!

..............................

Two years ago I became pregnant around Mother’s Day. I was beyond happy and blessed. We became pregnant quick, and I had a very healthy pregnancy. These things are not afforded to all women. Before I became pregnant I had studied to be a Birth Doula, a Labor Assistant. And I was hooked. When I became pregnant myself, I knew how special this time was.  And I wanted the opportunity to experience what I had studied and learned to be called a Gentle Birth. It had just become legal where we lived to work with a midwife. I just had this tug on my heart or maybe my gut; let’s call it instinct or a mother’s intuition. I had every desire to do labor (and more) at home, but something told me I needed something different. Labor Day came and our Hospital Birthing Center opened where we had been working with our midwife and her staff. This was a very big deal to be able to have what most considered having the best of both worlds. This would involve having a certified and trained midwife who worked within the Birth Center in a separate part of the L&D section in our local hospital. 

We had the healthiest and most beautiful pregnancy! My husband came to all of our appointments and we never were held up or given time restraints. Some days we were there even for a few hours because we had a lot of questions and needed more assistance. We had most of our classes there as well. A lot of our time being pregnant was spent there. This became our extra home. I knew when it came time to leave my laboring at our home and transition to the Birthing Center at our hospital I would feel at ease. Any change during labor can alter birth timing significantly and increase pain. My husband could even call if he had any questions. We talked about our beliefs, concerns and even about sad and happy things which happened while we were pregnant. 

I prayed to become a mom and to have the best care working with people who treated me as a person, not as a patient. I had dreamed of a time where I did not have to decide between motherhood and medicine. And of course midwives have an extensive medical education where they are given the time to work with women and do less invasive and more holistic care. This is where the balance comes into play. Our midwives and their staff had privileges within the hospital and worked with OBGYN’s when necessary. We had a blood test to check on certain medical conditions to prepare for if necessary and I had one ultrasound at twenty weeks. I had very few internal checks as well.

As we went through this amazing journey becoming parents I felt mothered into motherhood. I was loved, nurtured and respected. My questions were answered and our worries were resolved with kindness and respect. Now, this can be done with doctors and I am not in the least suggesting it cannot be. However, they just do not have the time to do so and, in most cases, working with women in facilitating natural childbirth is not knowledgeable. We are blessed with doctors who have the audacity to go into a sterile operating room and perform a surgery that keeps moms with their babies and families. I am in awe of this. What a blessing! But, this is not the necessary case for most women.

We also had the opportunity to work with our birth doula. She became an instant family member and definitely mothered me into motherhood. She sent me articles to help when I had questions, attended appointments with us, loved on us, and assisted us when I was in labor in our home. And when it got really scary after our baby arrived she held my hand while I nursed him and prayed with us as I received necessary medical intervention. She even met up with us at our first La Leche League meeting to assist us with our nursing situations. 

As moms, we endure so many challenges and health issues for us and our babies. I experienced some of these immediately.  After 12 hours of active labor (including a bumpy Jeep ride during morning rush hour traffic), and three hours of pushing/rotating my baby around, my son was born.  It was a truly safe and nurturing delivery even with him being born “sunny-sideways up”.   However, for reasons unknown, after delivering our son, I hemorrhaged. I had retained no parts of my placenta. No significant tearing. I was healthy otherwise. My labor and delivery was as gentle as could be considering. Very little understanding to why this occurred.  But, even with the hemorrhaging, what I witnessed was a miracle of birth and teamwork as my midwives and their staff working together with the OB (who stated he was there if needed).  The entire time I was in our queen bed with my husband, and I continued to nurse our baby. Every one explained everything they were doing to me. I will continue to this day to tell the world I had the most beautifully midwife-assisted delivery that medicine helped to keep me alive. 

After the shot of Pitocin to stop my bleeding and all the antibiotics, I was alive with my baby. I do remember it all. I remember my midwife telling me I wasn’t going to like where she was about to place a certain medicine. I remember her talking me out of passing out. And I remember… It… All.  I received the best care.  God wanted me to be here to raise our child. I was gifted the opportunity to stay with my child while being medically healed. I had prayer and Pitocin! 

As a new mom, I developed many new relationships as we experienced many nursing situations where we needed assistance. And I became close friends with a few moms I met at our nursing group within the Birth Center.  I even retained a part time job where my son comes with me. I have been so truly blessed to live the life I dreamed. SUPPORT is what I had needed, and I have received it in multitudes.

Mothers need to be mothered into motherhood. We deserve to be honored, loved, respected, trusted and be an active participant in decisions being made in regards to pregnancy, labor, delivery, nursing and mothering our children. I pray for every mom to receive this most beautiful care and respect. We get to make these decisions for ourselves. Please know why you want what you are hoping and praying for. Understand you play a role in your child’s arrival. You are not just the oven to bake that bun! 

Today is that day you became a mother! It is your second Birth day. A day to be loved and cherished. Not a day to recover from. We are not in competition with one another. We are a part of this most very special tribe where we should be Mothered into Motherhood! Let’s trust ourselves, babies, care providers and supporters. And also remember it’s not just about the outcome. A healthy baby. (Hey, I LOVE BABIES! Especially ours!) It’s also about this chapter in our story to help launch us into our next. Let’s allow ourselves to be Mothered into Motherhood! 

Caroline Hubble

                                                                 ..............................

A huge THANK YOU to Caroline for being a part of Mommy Monday! I loved reading her story and I'm so happy she got the love and care she needed to truly enjoy her journey into motherhood.

Hope you all enjoyed and have a great Monday!

You can read my Mommy Monday blog about postpartum anxiety and depression HERE.

Mother's Day + Our Pink Tree

Happy Mothers Day to all you Mamas out there! Our day was calm and chill. It was just what we needed over here. Tooth let me sleep in and brought me breakfast in bed. AHHH. He even opened the curtains and turned on E! for me. He knows the way to my heart. ;) We spent the morning at church and then had a lazy afternoon home with the babies.

After nap time Tooth surprised me with a new lens I've been wanting for my camera! Yay! He spoils me. Then he took me outside and surprised me with the most unexpected gift... A new tree!! I was so shocked! He had it all set up in the yard and it was so sweet.

I am always talking about how much I love "pink trees". Ha! Seriously, every time I see one I'm like, "OOOHHHH! I love those pink trees!" I guess he was sick of me saying that over and over again heard me, so he got me a tree and we planted it together in the back yard. He even bought a smaller shovel that Ryder could use. It was so sweet. It was a very creative gift and we will get to watch this tree grow for a long time! Now I can just walk into my backyard to enjoy the "pink tree"! ;)

Neither one of us had ever planted a tree, so we are a little worried we are going to wake up tomorrow morning and the tree will be blown over. Wish the tree luck! Here we are planting our PINK TREE...

This is the best we could get with these two monkeys. #reallife

UGH, that squished up nose when she's smiling... I just inhale her. Every. Single. Day.

Ryder's smile! :)))) Our little pink tree will grow to 30 feet.

Also, remember about three months ago when we were getting ALL the windows in our house replaced?? Yeah, they still aren't done. Hence the metallic windows behind us.

Ryder was so excited to "make a tree". Ha! I love him so much. He was totally into it until he started getting dirty and then he wanted a wipe. LOL

Such a big boy with his shovel!

Blakely wanted in on the action so bad. She was so upset that I wouldn't let her play with/eat the dirt. Once Ryder realized we were going to put the tree in the hole we were digging he got upset. Pretty sure he thought we were digging that hole just so he could play in it. Ha!

PINK TREE!!

So thankful to my thoughtful hubby for surprising me with this amazing gift. He always has a few tricks up his sleeve and makes me feel so special. I'll always remember this wonderful day when I look out my window and see this tree we planted together.

(Ok, cheesy rant over!)

            

Makeup Must Haves: Lips

LIPS! My favorite part of makeup. I am obsessed with lipgloss, lipstick, lip liner, everything. I have bags and drawers filled with lip products! I'm just going to share a few of my go-to's and colors that I love for spring and summer months. Would love to know your favorite colors and brands of lipgloss/lipstick. Let me know if you try any of them out! :)

From left to right:

Rimmel Lip Liner - 070 / "Enchantment"

I love this deep pink. I pair this with the Mac lipstick (listed below) for a darker, more dramatic pink lip. 

Mac Lipglass -   Saint Germain

I am addicted to Mac's lipglass. If you haven't ever worn it, do yourself a favor a go grab one (or a few). These three listed here are my go-to colors for every day wear. This one is a brighter pink (not too dramatic).

Mac Lipglass - Snob

Love! Softer pink and beautiful!

Mac Lipglass - C Thru

Love! Basic nude color. Matches everything. 

Mac Lipstick - Creme Cup

This is my favorite lipstick! It matches everything and you can make it look really different depending on the lipliner or lipgloss you pair it with. Or if you just wear it alone, it's a very natural color and is so classic. 

Mac Lipliner - Hip N Happy

I love this happy pink liner! Love!

Mac Lipliner - Subculture 

This is a more neutral liner and goes with everything. Seriously, everything. 

Too Faced MELTED - Nude

This is a bit of a stain. But it doesn't make your lips feel really dry like most stains. I have this in three colors (I told you I love lips!!) and love them all. This one linked is very neutral and I rarely have to reapply it. I usually pair this with a Mac gloss listed above. Just to keep my lips glossier. I like the glossy feeling. But I also like knowing that this hint of a stain STICKS and then my lips aren't bare. 

NYX butter gloss - BLG02 / Eclair

I love this gloss. Just a hint of pink to it, but very natural. I love that this brand is available at Target. So if I need a new gloss I can just grab it (without having to make a trip to the mall) when I'm running errands at Target. 

Glamglow Plumprageous - Clear Gloss

This is a lip plumper. It's VERY glossy. I only wear this on nights I'm dressed up and going out. I don't feel the need to plump my lips, but this definitely works if you're wanting a little boost! Like I said, I love a glossy lip and this is very shiny! This same lip plumper does come in a matte finish for those of you who don't love the glossy look. 

Buxom Lip Polish - Kelly 

This bright pink gloss is my new favorite! It's so much fun and isn't TOO bright. I seriously love this color. 

Buxom Gel Lipstick - Fuchsia Fetish (not pictured)

This lipstick is bright and I pair it with the lipgloss listed above by Buxom. It's a BRIGHT combo and it's so pretty. Love it. 

Sephora Cream Lip Stain - 12 (not pictured)

Umm... Lip stain is the best thing ever. Not sure why it took me so long to get on board?? But this Sephora brand is a great price and quality. I am loving this stain and again, have it in multiple colors. I do always pair this with a gloss though, because stains tend to make my lips a little dry. 

You can read my previous make up blogs here:

Makeup Must Haves: Face

Makeup Must Haves: Eyes

Wishing you all a wonderful Wednesday!

Mommy Monday - Postpartum Anxiety + Depression

HEY MAMAS!

I am so excited to announce that I am going to be hosting a series called Mommy Monday for the next few months! This is a space where women (my amazing friends) will talk about their postpartum experience. The good, the bad and the ugly. I struggled with postpartum depression after Ryder was born (in 2013) and felt so alone. I found a couple blogs written by other mamas who experienced postpartum depression and their words spoke to me! I felt understood. I also felt like I wasn't alone and it helped me heal. I re read their blogs multiple times and found comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one to experience this! Since I started my blog, I have considered writing about my experience many times, but always get too afraid. It's been heavy on my heart lately and I feel lead (for whatever reason) to talk about it now. It sounds cliche, but if just ONE person finds comfort in what is written here, it was worth it.

I started to think about how important it is for women to talk openly with each other about this. I remember talking to my doctor after Ryder was born and saying, "WHY doesn't anyone talk about this?!". So now here I am. I'm nervous and going way out of my comfort zone talking about this. So please be kind. :) After I decided I would fight my fears and write about it anyway, I thought it might be AWESOME to have some of my favorite mommy friends post about their experiences as well. This is where the idea of Mommy Monday came from. None of these women are here to offer anything other than their experience and references that helped them. We all have different stories, personalities and experiences. I hope one (or more!) helps you to feel understood and less alone. Oh, and reminders that you aren't INSANE always help, too! ;) So you can check back here every Monday to read blogs written by my sweet friends. So excited to hear all of their hearts!

So, my story. I've never dealt with depression before. Just the word: depression. It stings. It feels uncomfortable to even say it. It feels like a weakness, but it ins't! When Ryder was born we had an amazing experience with our hospital and doctors. I LOVE my OB and seriously might have more babies just so I can see her once a month! JK. JK. She is amazing at her job and even though I ended up having an emergency C section (you can read Ryder's birth story HERE) it was very smooth and I felt very cared for throughout my entire stay at the hospital.

Tim's mom was in town for two weeks after Ryder was born and that was amazing! Judy is a loving and wonderful mother-in-law! I feel very comfortable being myself around her. She did EVERYTHING for us while she was here. I mean, everything. She cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, took TJ to karate, grocery shopping... everything. I would sit on the couch and nurse Ryder while she served me toast and juice. We'd watch movies together and talk. It was amazing and I was SPOILED by her (and continue to be spoiled by her every time she visits). Ryder was around three weeks old when she left and I think that's when it started to creep up.

I never felt sad. Which is why I thought I was fine. I heard my mom or Tim mention "postpartum depression" and I'd get so mad at them for evening thinking I was depressed. "But this is the HAPPIEST I've ever been, mom! I'm so in love and so grateful. I'm NOT DEPRESSSSSSSSEDDDD!!!!!!!" My mom was so gentle and careful to not offend me. And I just couldn't even hear her. I seriously thought her and Tim were being mean! I didn't think they were giving me any room to be hormonal or emotional. I mean, GEEZ. I just had a baby. And a C section! Give me a break! But, they were right. And I wouldn't listen. So, it got worse.

I was so overwhelmed. One site referred to postpartum anxiety as "unable to complete normal daily tasks". And that's exactly how I felt. It was BAD, you guys. BAD. I think this was horribly difficult for my husband. Who knew something was up, but didn't know what to do or how to help. I was just WORRIED all. The. Time. About everything. I worried about Ryder not eating at the EXACT time I thought he was supposed to. I was worried about him not sleeping enough, or sleeping too long. I was super OCD about the way the house looked. We had just gotten a new wool rug in our family room. And it was shedding like CRAZY. Seriously, we vacuumed that thing like 2-3 times a day. Ha! But just the thought of that damn rug. OMG. It made my heart race. I was exhausted. And at night, I'd lay there in a panic about him. Worried if he was going to spit up and choke. I'd worry if I heard him making too much noise, or not enough. I'd lay in bed SWEATING having visions of dropping him down the stairs or shutting his little baby hands in the car door. Weird things. I obsessed over random things and COULDN'T LET GO. I sobbed hysterically one night because I ran out of shampoo. Like, SOBBING to the point I was gagging and near throwing up. I remember sitting on the side of the bed crying to my husband and his blank stare. He had no idea what to do. To him I seemed insane. This wasn't the normal me. But to me, I was just SO overwhelmed. Just the thought of taking Ryder to the store to get shampoo stressed me out. I'd worry about him needing to eat while I was out. I'd worry about him crying in the car and me not being able to help him, etc. And you guys, I was just SO freaking tired. All the time. I swear I thought I was going to DIE from tiredness. Seriously. I felt like I was dying. And the anxiety kept me awake at night. I was so worried and my mind was racing, I couldn't fall asleep. My nights looked like this: Feed Ryder. Lay in bed worried. Count the minutes I had left to sleep before I thought he would wake up again to eat. Worry again. Feel tired. Stress out about the DAMN RUG! Check to see if he was breathing. Finally fall asleep... 15 minutes later Ryder would wake up to eat. And repeat. It was a vicious cycle and I was just so, so deeply exhausted.

On top of the fact that this was all happening, we are in a blended family. I have an older stepson and he was really struggling with Ryder's arrival. He was SOOO excited when we were pregnant and couldn't wait to meet his baby brother at the hospital. But then the reality of sharing his dads attention hit hard. He was the only child in our home for nine years and this transition was very hard on him! The combination of my anxiety, TJ's needy demands and Tim just not knowing WHAT to do (LOL) led to a lot of problems in our home. A LOT!!! This was extremely difficult on our marriage. I had NO IDEA this would happen. It never even crossed my mind. And it was brutal. It's painful to even revisit this now. It was a disaster of a mess and there were many times Tim and I didn't think we were going to make it through the storm. I mean, shit. Even our DOG was really confused and overwhelmed. He didn't know what was going on, so he just started barking allllllll the time. Still to this day, if a leaf blows within a one mile radius of our house, he BARKS! UGH

Long story short(ish), my mom and hubby finally convinced me to call my doctor. So I went to see her and I could tell what I was saying was very concerning to her. And she just loved on me. Which I needed so desperately. I told her "But I'M NOT SAD!!! This can't be postpartum depression. Depression?! Doesn't that mean you're sad? Or down?!" She explained to me that there are so many ways we can experience postpartum shenanigans. I told her that every time I had to take a postpartum test (they make you fill out questionnaires at OB and pediatrician offices after delivery) I ACED them! The problem with those questionnaires is that they really focus on the "classic" postpartum depression. You know, the kind where women don't want to hold their babies, feel really sad or even mad about the fact that their life just dramatically changed... forever. But that was NOT my experience. (I got on anti anxiety medication when Ryder was about three months old. I was VERY nervous about this affecting him through my breast milk. But I trust my doctor - who felt it was very safe - and knew I needed the Rx!)

I was in shock to experience this. I had no crazy emotions during my pregnancy. And my pregnancy was fairly easy! I never thought about the fact that postpartum depression could be delayed! I just assumed it was right away. And I just had the assumption that postpartum depression meant sadness or a lack of connection to the baby. Which I did NOT feel. I loved him SO MUCH. I seriously considered eating him a few times (per day). ;) I was so HAPPY to be a mommy to this perfect boy. I couldn't even put him down. I held him ALL. THE. TIME. It literally stressed me out to put him down for even one second. So I learned to pee while holding him, put on makeup while holding him, make myself snacks while holding him. But it wasn't healthy. And I didn't understand that. I didn't know that all mothers weren't holding their newborns 24-7! Why wouldn't they?!? It didn't even cross my mind that this was a little extreme. I remember telling my husband, "I don't even have time to eat! I mean, I'm just starving! But I have no time to eat!" (insert sobbing face). I remember him being really confused and telling me that it was OK to put him down and make myself a sandwich or smoothie. But being away form Ryder for 5+ minutes?! Are you crazy?!?! You guys, this was intense. I avoided peeing because I didn't want to put him down. To the point that I got a UTI. And I ignored it. Which made it worse. When I finally called my OB because I was basically peeing straight BLOOD, she told me I needed to go into the office to get checked out. And I just started SOBBING!!!!!!! The thought of driving down to her office (in Denver) with my newborn baby in the car (who I wouldn't be able to hold for one hour on the way to the office and for another hour on the way home) just stressed me out! I couldn't deal with it. She immediately calmed me down and called in my prescription without having me go in for a visit. Bless her soul!!!!

There are so many other experiences and specifics to my story, but I have to cut myself off at some point! I wish that I knew about these things going into pregnancy and delivery. But, I didn't. It was a painful experience and I felt VERY alone. There were times I was so overwhelmed and hurt by my husband. For not loving me perfectly. But he is just one man!!! He was new to all of this, too! He was doing the best he could and we both learned a lot from this experience.

So here are a few tips for surviving motherhood (new or seasoned):

1. Love your OB
If you don't, get a new one! This person is very important and can dramatically change the way you experience pregnancy and delivery. Be open and honest with your doctor about your wishes for delivery (while knowing sometimes there are circumstances that you can't control - aka me having an emergency C section, even though my "birth plan" clearly stated I wanted to have natural delivery).

2. Love your nurses
I didn't realize how lucky I got with amazing nurses for both my babies. But I have heard horror stories about mean nurses and... WHAT?! I mean, this is crazy to me. Do not feel bad about asking for a different nurse/s if you for whatever reason feel uncomfortable with the nurse you were given. You have every right to be choosy about this and need to have someone who isn't ruining this experience for you!

3. Rx
Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about drugs. While pregnant and/or nursing. You have to be comfortable with this. But you also have to be sane and mentally healthy for your baby!

4. Hire help!
Anything you can afford to hire out, do it!!! After Ryder was born we decided it was worth it to have house cleaners come and do a big chunk of the work around the house. They change the sheets, too. This takes a huge load off my shoulders and I am forever grateful for this. ANYTHING that you can take off your plate, do. You can have dry cleaning picked up from your front door and delivered once it's cleaned. Order in for dinner. This saves time in the grocery store, time to cook and time to clean the kitchen after! Remember that pregnancy/newborn life is just a phase and you'll get back to cooking, cleaning, etc soon enough. Do NOT feel bad for needing help. It takes a village, people!!!

I am also big on hiring sitters. This is mandatory for my mental health. I need to get away. I rarely got away when Ryder was little (until about one year) and I was ok with that. I didn't want or need to leave at that point in my motherhood journey. But once he started walking and getting really busy (plus, I was miserable pregnant!!!!!) I just needed a break. If you can have grandma, grandpa or a sitter you know and trust watch your kid/s for a few hours, do it! It is so refreshing and freeing to know you have time for yourself. Every week. I used to feel REALLY guilty about having a sitter because I don't work. But, HELLLLO!!! I DO work. 24-7. No, I don't make a paycheck for it, but I am raising little humans. It's work. And I don't need to feel guilty for making time to take care of myself. Sometimes I use this time to nap! When you're pregnant and struggling to sleep, or have a newborn baby and you're awake strange hours, never feel guilty for allowing yourself time to rest. I'd like to say sometimes I use my sitter hours to go to the gym, but I totally don't! LOL I try to do something I enjoy. I'll get a mani, see the chiropractor or meet a girlfriend for lunch. Something along those lines. Or I'll go to Target. Alone. AHHHH the joys of going to Target without kids!

If you don't have family in town who can help for free, and you aren't in a position to hire weekly help, trade! Hosting traded playdates is a win-win. The kids are usually so entertained and distracted by each other, it kinda makes your day easier. Well, sometimes. Ha! And then you and your friend can swap days and each have some free time to do whatever it is that gives you a MUCH deserved break.

5. Sleep
If your husband is willing, take shifts with night feedings. This way you can each get at least a 5 hour stretch of Zzz's. Even now, Tim takes the morning shift. Blakely sleeps through the night, but she wakes up early. Tim is a morning person (I'll never understand you morning people!!) and is always willing to let me sleep another two hours and give Blakely a bottle. Sleep is crucial and the GLUE to our family!

6. Counselor
Tim and I have seen a counselor our entire relationship. It's just nice to have a referee who can guide you in your marriage. Marriage is tough!! And then add some kids to the mix. It's a lot. Having a professional on your side when your in a deep, dark pit is always a good thing! Even when we're doing really well, we still go in for maintenance. Sometimes we feel like we have nothing to talk about but then go and have a great session. Having this in our marriage has been a huge help to us!

7. Budget
Budget in the things you NEED in this difficult phase of life. Whether it's a sitter, a counseling session, eating out more for dinner, etc. If you plan for it, you can make it work! I know we all have different financial situations, but I trust in your ability to be resourceful here!

8. Don't Judge/Assume
I have my opinions and views of what I think is best for my babies/family. But those are MY views. I would never expect my friends to fully agree with me and raise their children the same way! Why are we shaming one another?! If you co-sleep or sleep train, breast feed or formula feed, do time-outs or believe time-outs are horrible, spank or don't spank... whatever, IT'S OK! You have no one to answer to. I think a lot of parenting is just survival!!!! We have to be comfortable with the fact that no matter what we do as parents, someone is going to think we're doing it perfectly, while others think we're doing it all wrong. But that's ok. We can do things differently and still respect each other. YOU are the mommy. YOU were given this baby form God, who trust you. He trusts you to raise this child/children the way you feel is best. Listen to your gut. And LOVE on those babies!

9. Friends
Having a friend (or a few) who "get you" is so important. I am blessed with many friends who I know have my back. I can call them SCREAMING in anger or CRYING in fear and they are always there. No judgement. Just love and grace. Please, please reach out to friends for help when it's needed. I'll never forget texting a couple of my close girlfriends when Ryder was really little. I was in a very dark place in my marriage and struggling with my anxiety. Within an hour they both showed up with food, dessert and open hearts. When they walked through the door I could barely believe my eyes! I never asked them to come over. They just did. They talked with me and made me feel understood and offered support. They watched Ryder while I showered and once did a couple loads of laundry! I mean... Is that not the most amazing thing!? I'll never forget that and I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it. I felt so loved and it immediately put me in a better place!

I sincerely hope this helps someone out there who may be struggling with similar emotions post baby. This phase of life is sooooo beautiful and so hard. SO, so hard. We are tired and never feel like we're doing enough, no matter how much we do for our family! But I hope you hear me when I say YOU'RE AWESOME!!!! And you (yeah, YOU!) are doing a GREAT JOB!!!! No one will ever love those kids the way you do, Mama! Thank you all so much for being here. I appreciate each and every one of you SO much.

Sending you all love!

You can read more about postpartum depression and anxiety HERE.